When You're Worried About Suicide
No word in the English language evokes more fear or heart break than the word suicide. The thought of a loved one hurting so badly that they would end their life strikes terror in the heart of every parent, teacher, child, and friend. Most of my adult life I’ve worked with people, many of whom confided in me that they were struggling with suicidal thoughts. Many people deal with the agonizing grief of losing a family member who died by suicide. I’ve gotten calls after work or in the middle of the night from suicidal youth or their friends, and listened to countless tragic stories. I am not a licensed counselor, so my job was to connect hurting people to the appropriate resources. In the almost ten years I spent working in the Student Services department of a school district, I hosted as many suicide prevention trainings as I could with youth and adults because it’s a subject we need to talk about. Suicide is not easy to discuss, but it is so important. Because God cares so deeply for hurting people, I want to address the topic of suicide so that we can love each other well. There are many harmful beliefs associated with this topic as well, and I’d like to share a few things I learned.
It is okay to talk about suicide.
Many people are afraid to bring up the topic. If you are concerned about someone, experts encourage you to assume you are the only person who will reach out. Here are 6 steps provided by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Have an honest conversation
Talk to them in private
Listen to their story
Tell them you care about them
Ask directly if they are thinking about suicide
Encourage them to seek treatment or contact a doctor or therapist.
Avoid debating the value of life, minimizing their problems or giving advice.
In the trainings I attended, they always emphasized the importance of asking the person if they are thinking about hurting themself. We were assured that it would not plant new ideas in their head to ask the question. If the person is in crisis, you can call 911 to get help immediately. I worked with many brave youth and adults who prevented suicides in the lives of their friends by having the courage to act.
2. Sometimes we need help to deal with our pain.
I have heard people describe suicide as selfish. While I desperately hope to prevent anyone I know and love from choosing death by suicide, I believe there is a much more insightful way to describe what’s happening. Here is one of the most powerful word pictures I’ve heard.
Imagine that your hand is pressed to a searing hot iron. You are in tremendous, overwhelming, debilitating pain that won’t go away. In fact, you have no idea how to get rid of the pain and nothing you have tried has helped. It feels like your only two choices are to continue living in extreme pain or escape. Both choices are horrible. You don’t want to die, but you need a way out.
3. There is abundant hope and help.
Suicide hurts everyone around us, but it is not selfish to want to feel better. Give them hope that their pain can get better. Thank them for trusting you enough to share those thoughts with you. Let them know you care about them tremendously and they are not alone; you will walk with them through whatever they are going through. Ask if there is someone else in their life who they could share this with for more support. Persuade them to visit their doctor, counselor, therapist, or emergency room. Assure them that they are not bad for having suicidal thoughts, nor do they have to act on them. Let them know they are loved by you, so many others, and by God. Sometimes we need to process the thoughts we are having with a caring friend and/or professional. You are not bad, crazy, or possessed if you have suicidal thoughts.
The truth is, life is painful and the sources of our pain can be varied and intense. Most people I know find hope and help that decreases their pain when they open up about their struggles. Counseling, therapy, medical attention, and talking to a pastor or family member can be incredibly beneficial. It can help a lot to have other friends or family share the burden and not carry the secret alone anymore. All kinds of help exists with books, programs, support groups, and trainings. There is no problem too big for God to help you with and even when it feels like your pain is too great to bear or no one cares, there is hope and you are more loved than you know.